50SOG? I Live it, Love it, Write it! My name is Breanna Hayse and I'm a multi-genre #1 US/International Author of over 60 Erotic Romance and BDSM books. My Series, The Game Plan, launched the Age-Play Phenomena. Would you like to know more about the real deal? Ask Me Anything!

Breanna Hayse
Jul 9, 2018

With all the 'Daddy' books being written in the name of 'age-play,' few truly represent this amazing dynamic of the BDSM lifestyle. I'm not only a lifestyler, but a certified sexologist and an alternative lifestyle therapist. If you have questions and want true life answers, about the BDSM lifestyle, age-play, or where I get my inspiration- Ask Me Anything!

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Have you ever hesitated about being so open about being a submissive? Why did you feel the need to publicize something so personal?
Jul 16, 1:43AM EDT0

Of course- I was young, cared about what people thought, and was afraid of backlash. That changed very quickly when I started researching my thesis and then began writing.  

I never felt a 'need to publicize' anything- but I did/do take responsibility to educate from an experienced point of view. People deserve the opportunity to learn the difference between reality and fantasy so that those who are interested in the dynamic can make informed decisions.  The admission also allowed me to be more approachable.

As an author- I'm writing about a real lifestyle- where real people are involved in a real community and experience real problems just like anyone else. I'm also living proof that the misconceptions of what a submissive might be are often false- I'm well educated, independent, and a professional in the community.  What I'm not is weak, subservient, or anyone's doormat, nor am I ashamed or embarrassed by who I am.

If one lives in the shadows, the truth eventually comes out and I chose to have my truth be told on my terms.  By being straight forward and having nothing to hide, I eliminated any fear of being 'outted' and removed all power from anyone (we all have haters- especially in this industry) who considered using my lifestyle to hurt me. It's no different than when a celebrity comes out about being LGBT and uses the truth to teach people tolerance, safety, etc. 

One must always consider the pros and cons when it comes to exposure, and understand that the possibility exists of being hurt more by not being truthful. Just because it's right for me, doesn't make it right for everyone. There are some states with 'morality' clauses that can cost people their jobs if someone complains. California is not one of them. 

My husband and I been blessed to be part of the healing of so many people/marriages because we are so open. That openess also led to being  used by law enforcement for questions and assistance in outside assumptions of domestic violence, and to physicians and psychiatrists as consultants.  Yeah, I get a little flack born out of ignorance, fear, or prejudice, but I embrace that opportunity to teach the truth. I can't make anyone accept it- but at least I gave them something to chew on, right?

Jul 16, 11:23AM EDT0
Do you ever include scenes in your book that can't be executed in real life? If yes, do you fear that some newbies might attempt to do them when it's not completely safe?
Jul 15, 7:40PM EDT0

Hi! That's a very good question and a subject I addressed earlier- safety.  ANY scene, under an inexperienced hand, can be unsafe. Without accountability and education, someone will eventually be hurt- but getting people to accept that reality is not so simple.

No- I do not 'make up' scenes.  All the scenes in my contemporary/ historical works are true to form and based on personal experience through either myself/others in my community. I do not involve any edge-play without making it perfectly clear that the characters are trained, accountable and responsible. I am also very careful that the characters 'discuss' scenes in their story to emphasize that they are SSC (safe, sane, consensual) and leave no room for misinterpretation. 

I'm a very strong advocate for education in the lifestyle- as both a participate and a therapist. It's because I have seen people try to recreate scenes and things went horribly wrong, that I do my best to communicate responsibility to other authors regarding what they write. This include how they present themselves on their blogs, etc. There are some who claim to live the dynamic (to give them credibility), but then the scenes/relationships, etc., demonstrate the opposite.  It's okay NOT to live the lifestyle and write about it, just do your homework and understand that you're representing a community and people's lives, yanno?

Jul 15, 11:34PM EDT0
Is being a switch really a thing or do most people usually have a preference of one over the other?
Jul 15, 5:31AM EDT0

Yes, being a switch is real but it's a big topic of debate in the OG community. There are some that call switches 'confused' and even those who go as far as to say it's impossible.  Then again, these are the same individuals who say that same thing about Trannies and pan-genders. I do understand their confusion because the roles in the community itself are well-defined and, during gatherings, you know who is what. Just an FYI- very few openly practice switching in the public BDSM community.

Switching is all dependent upon the individual (i.e. I don't switch with my husband, but I do Domme for my darling leather boys) and/or the couples (I know of several who switch privately in their relationship).

I can't speak for all those who switch who (again) are actually living in the dynamic, but It does seem that most have their preference. Notably, these switches do NOT include the weekend Top/Bottom party goers who play at BDSM. If given a choice, I would always remain in my submissive. It's who I am naturally and I don't try to deny it. When I am called in as a Domme, I turn to that role because  I love my boys and they love and trust me to fulfill that need in them.  They are the only one's who get that part of me- and it tends to be more of a 'Mommy-Domme' situation.

I hope this answers your question :)

Jul 15, 10:37AM EDT0
Is there any part of the BDSM practice that you disapprove of ?
Jul 13, 9:24AM EDT0

I disapprove of things being practiced in the name of BDSM that are not an actual or representation of our community. People automatically lump every Fetish (the worshipping of an object or a sexual gratification linked to a particular thing), sexual anomaly  and abusive behavior into the box that they assume describes who we are.

As a health professional, of course I'm concerned about excrement play (scat) and unsupervised/untrained edge-play (including electroplay, fire-play, and razor blading). But my main issue is the recent support of domestic violence under the term YRINMKATOK. This include the rape culture where rape is glorified and supported (and we are seeing it in more books labeled BDSM), the cheering on of domestic violence (i.e. the punching a women in the face with the intent to blacken an eye/bloody a nose/split a lips that the NG are calling take-downs), and the growing practice of lacking accountability.

Anything that places a Bottom in danger is something I cannot, nor will I, support. Those who are performing such acts are the same who yell the loudest at an OG who intervenes in behalf of a sub's safety.  

This is an example of what I'm talking about:

John (who was a dungeon monitor) and I (the Club's safety and medical officer) were approached by a Club member who was being beaten by her husband in the name of BDSM. She was terrified to say anything,  leave the alleged Dom and refused to report him to the police. She wanted our help to stop the abuse which often left her homebound for several days and having to hide her face in public to avoid whispers. 

Domestic violence is a crime and the situation was clearly noncon so  I advised the board and other DM's about the situation while John approached the abuser, man-to-man, to talk. John was verbally attacked and accused of interfering with the guy's marriage.  I think the only reason the jerk didn't take a swing at John was because everyone in the Club knew he has a black belt in Kempo!

The Club placed the husband on probation, but that didn't stop what was happening at home.  It wasn't until his wife was hospitalized with several broken bones and internal damage that formal charges were brought against him by her treating physician. The man screamed about this as well, claiming it invaded his rights- but California Mandatory Reporting requires a health care provider to make a report if they provide medical services to a patient whom they suspect is suffering from a physical injury due to assaultive or abusive conduct. 

The Club rallied around the woman in opposition to her husband's claims and dozens of statements of witnessing events were given to the police. 

The abuser beat up his wife in the name of BDSM, but it was those who honored and respected the lifestyle who ultimately stepped in and perhaps even saved the life of a battered spouse. 

Jul 13, 10:43AM EDT0
What has been the weirdest question you've ever been asked regarding BDSM? How did it make you feel?
Jul 13, 12:16AM EDT0

OMG, there've been so many, even ones that took me by surprise. But there was one question that had a profound impact on me and it came from a coworker. She wasn't mean about it at all- but was confused. She wanted to know how an intelligent, independent, and confident woman could be so gullible as to let some man command her entire life while beating her.

It initially jarred and embarassed me, but it was the one question that  gave me the confidence to speak openly.

I told her that it was because I am intelligent, independent and confident, I was able to dig deep and be truthful about my own needs, and that included not wanting to be in charge 24/7. I then informed her (the look on her face was priceless) that I don't get beaten, I get spanked, and because of that, I live in a relationship where we never fight or put each other down, where we don't compete to be the top dog and use that time to enjoy one another. I'm not gullible, I'm blessed to have found a man who loves me to infinity and beyond, and who I love and respect in return.

Jul 13, 2:58AM EDT0
What are some of the new trends in the BDSM world?
Jul 12, 7:58PM EDT0

There's nothing new under the sun- we just are more aware of it because of the internet. 

Many of the BDSM clubs I'm associated with have introduced edge-play under a supervised environment with active safety measures. We're seeing more people (typically newbs) are practicing the acts associated/assumed to be BDSM  rather than the heart of the dynamics (Old Guard/old school) I call it Caligulaism. No, it's not a real word (yet) but it's what I use to describe the attitude where the pleasure becomes all about 'me' not 'we,'  and there's no concern of fallout. 

There is also a movement called CNC (Consentual NonConsentual) whose participants insist that the Top has no limits in what he can do to his Bottom.  I don't know how many of these claims are true since I've only seen them on line and never in any clubs nor has it come across in any of our therapy sessions.

Jul 13, 2:20AM EDT0
Have you ever received backlash from people who don't understand the BDSM lifestyle and feel it's something perverse?
Jul 12, 6:48PM EDT0

Sadly, yes. Not as much as I used to, but it can get pretty nasty. The funniest thing is that the majority of comments have come from vanillas reviewing my books! I figured if it bothered them enough to call me names and get ugly, then it made enough of an impact that it will stick with them for a while, lol.

My primary purpose of being so public is to educate. I've had several female coworkers at the psych unit who were shocked when they discovered I was a submissive (I don't think they would have been so surprised if I were a dominant).  They accused me of taking the women's lib movement back 100 years, promoting abuse, and encouraging violence.  I took it as an opportunity to challenge their ignorance. Some listened, others didn't. 

People are going to discriminate and attack what they don't understand or can't control. It's based on fear and ignorance. My advice to anyone facing such is stay calm, pleasant, and ask the attacker questions and gently educate.

Jul 12, 7:12PM EDT0
You mentioned your husband being in touch with your male readers who have questions about the lifestyle. Why don't they contact you directly?
Jul 12, 12:36PM EDT0

Some do and I typically refer them to my husband out of respect for him and our marriage. You never know who is on the other side of the email and I've had some individuals who've overstepped boundaries.  Two examples of crossing boundaries are those who think they can boss me around and disregard "I'm a sub, but I'm not YOUR sub" . Another experience I've had are those who are (please pardon the term) mental masturbators and approach me with inappropriate and disrespectful comments and discriptions. Just because I'm involved in the lifestyle doesn't make me a slut. John and I have jointly spoken with male readers and there are a few who I've known personally and will speak with (with John's approval), but I exercise safety and put my marriage and my husband first.

Jul 12, 12:48PM EDT0
What did you think of the 50 Shades of Grey series in terms of accurate portrayal of the BDSM lifestyle?
Jul 12, 8:45AM EDT0

I addressed this below in another question. 50SOG was a love story with kinky f**kery. Period. It did open the door for many of us to talk to vanillas about our books, so I have to give E.L. James props for that.

The portrayal was not only inaccurate and unresearched, but it communicated that Grey was broken and needed to be healed. That, alone, left a bad taste in the mouth of those in the lifestyle.

BDSM isn't about having a playroom filled with toys. It isn't about keeping a harem of subs that are tossed away once the Dom gets bored. It isn't even about sex. It's a psychology that blossoms into a specific type of physical interaction and evolves over time as the partners grow to know and trust each other.

James did the community a disservice by failing to research the lifestyle- had she done that, she could have made a strong impact on how the vanilla world views us. We aren't about whips and chains, we aren't about lording over someone and making them grovel at our feet.  Am I saying there aren't those in the community who act that way? No. But they are often the rogues who refuse accountability or who, in actuality are not Dominants, but Sadists. One doesn't have to be in involved in BDSM to be a sadist, either.

I don't think James ever anticipated the impact her books would have on our community, or that they would introduce the 'Shaders', the new generation 'BDSMers' who use her books as their bible and whose mimicry has caused irreparable damage to the pretend-Anas. I would also hope that, if she had the foresite to see how she misrepresented our community, she would have done some research and sought to portray the lifestyle and relationships with more respect and understanding.

This is a lesson to ALL authors who write about a specific lifestyle or culture- do your homework. You never know what type of impact you will have on a community/people- so let's strive to make it positive and informed.

Jul 12, 10:44AM EDT0
How does one know if they have BDSM tendencies or if they would even like it?
Jul 12, 6:59AM EDT0

That's one of those questions that can have a response that's either simplistic or complex. BDSM is an interest that most people involved are naturally drawn towards. It's not about wanting to hurt, or be hurt, aggressive behavior, or (as in 50SOG) someone is broken and goes in that direction. It's about exploring a level of intimacy.

My Master's Thesis "Do I Dare" explored this very question- WHEN does someone step over that line and why. The answers were as numerous as the people I interviewed and observed. I remember one man asking me- how do you know if you would like chocolate? He had a point.

Every person did have one thing in common though- and don't laugh. It started with watching the old cartoons where the three little piglets got spanked, or others along those lines, and they felt a surge of interest. When they dog-eared a page in a book that mentioned a feisty heroine being turned over her rescuer's knees. When they watched John Wayne spanking Maureen O'Hara in McClintock and couldn't get it out of their mind. When they look for books, websites, videos and fantasize about being part of whatever they are reading.

Mostly when they either have an overwhelming desire to protect, guide and discipline (not punish- big difference) a sassy partner; or when they need to be in a relationship that includes being protected, guided and disciplined.

John, my husband, said a clincher for him was when he was 13, he had a bratty girlfriend who he didn't want to break up with. That was when he channeled John Wayne and spanked her- and the results were amazing. He was hooked from that moment on. She was also hooked- and didn't break up with him.

But here's the clincher- it MUST be consensual, safe and sane. Women who fantasize about being tossed over an alpha male's shoulder and then being spanked, tied up and have sex are reminded that is fantasy- reality is much, much, MUCH different.

I caution anybody who is on the fence to take the time and go to Munches or Clubs and meet others face to face. There are so many phonies on FetLife and alleged BDSM blogs that you can't trust the information you're being given as true. It can be a dangerous game- don't play it unless you have protection, accountability, and education. Listen to the old schoolers who've been around and have seen what can go right and wrong so that you, or your partner, don't become a casualty. One bad scene can not only push you away--it can be lethal. 

Jul 12, 10:20AM EDT0
Who are some of the BDSM erotica writers who you feel pioneered the genre?
Jul 12, 3:20AM EDT0

BDSM erotica in literary form have been around forever, hidden in sock drawers even before the invention of socks! These authors- from old to new- show the progression of the literary genre.

Donatien Alphonse François- AKA Marquis de Sade- late 1700's/early 1800's is from whom the term sadistic was born. He lived a lifestyle of absolute hedonism, both consensual and nonconsensual. His works are, in my opinion, difficult to read due to the time frame written, but many are said to be based on the reality of his lifestyle.

Oscar Wilde in the 1890's in books like the The Picture of Dorian Gray (a character who inspire my own Dorian Graye- The Whip Master)

 Pauline Reage in 1954 with The Story of O-a BDSM erotic romance involving the Master/slave relationship and a work that has piqued the interest of nearly every lifestyler to this day.

Anne Rice (Sleeping Beauty Series 1983)- although pure fantasy with very few realistic elements, it's a more 'palatable' introduction to BDSM erotic romance and erotica than Pauline's to most newcomers. Her popularity with the Vampire Chronicles opened the door for more vanilla readers to explore literary erotica.

Finally (the best for last, in my opinion)- Laura Antoniou (The Marketplace Series 1993)- she's the first contemporary author that really delved into the true BDSM background based on her lifestyle. She's also an awesome woman who I've been blessed to become friends with and personally adore. She's the real deal and I strongly recommend anyone who is interested in seeing the hard core side of the lifestyle to read her books. Although placed in a fictional setting, there's a strong personal truth that comes through because Laura IS one of her characters and her passion for the dynamics are seen throughout all her works. To this day, when I reread her series, I still glean new things from the depth of her writing. 

Jul 12, 4:26AM EDT0
As a sexologist, do you deal with sexual dysfunction or impotence in both men and women or is that beyond the scope of your expertise ?
Jul 10, 7:46PM EDT0

Yes, but impotence/sexual dysfunction isn't a norm in my particular field, and the few that reported it were women. To help develop a program for impotence/sexual dysfunction, it's imperative to obtain a medical and personal history from a client/couple and confer with their MD prior to working with them.  We then work on the psychology of the dysfunction and offer ideas for homework. 

Jul 10, 10:45PM EDT0

As a self-published author, I worry that I'll never have enough readers for my books. I feel that they'll remain lost in the vastness of the web. Have you ever self-published any books? And if so, how did you self-promote them to ensure readers?

Jul 10, 3:40PM EDT0

With the exception of my anthologies, I self-publish. The marketing issue is an ongoing dilemma of being an indie author if you don't have deep pockets to spend on publicists, etc- and one all of us indies struggle with at one point. We also can't ensure getting readers, but we can sure as hell try!

Here are some things you can do:

1. Building a fan base starts with writing a good book. That includes a good cover, editing, content and plot. Get some people you trust to beta it and who'll give you honest feedback. If they say 'it sucks,' listen to their suggestions on how to make it better. A good beta reader won't change your story, but they will give you an honest opinion about the level of interest. If you want to be successful, there is no room for egos.

2. Team up with other authors to cross promote and participate in anthologies (I'm going to be putting one together for charity soon, so if anyone is interested, let me know). Anthologies are a great way to expose your works to a new audience since multiple authors will attract their readers to the book.

3. Loyal readers, and word of mouth, is your absolute best means of promotion. I do takeovers on occasion on facebook, but it's my newsletter and the campaigns I conduct on Instafreebie that really launched my sales. Even if you submit a preview of a book to Instafreebie, you are introducing yourself to a new group of fans. Other options that have been successful for me are AllAuthor, Kinky Literature, and Booksprout.

4. If an author approaches me who shares the same venue, I am more than happy to do a newsletter swap. I also, on occasion and as time allows, work with new authors. If their quality of work meets my standards, I will publish them with my name under theirs (as either a coauthor, Foreword, or consultant). That draws my followers to check them out. 

5. Be interesting. Develop a blog and newsletter that pique people's interest and keep them coming back.

6. Be prolific. Some people think I'm nuttier than a fruitcake (and might be right) but I write and publish a new book every 4-6 weeks- and that's with working full time. Most are full length novels, but I do short stories on occasion which keep the readers interested and looking forward to the next piece.

7. Have patience and be wise. It took me several years to build my bookshelf to a place I could live off my royalties, but I've kept my 'day job' because the market is so erratic. I have a separate account for the royalty income and reinvest through advertising (don't bother with FB ads- they are useless) and giveaways. I've been very successful with the Amazon ad campaigns and it's very cost effective.

I hope this gives you some direction. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. My email is breannahayse@gmail.com

Jul 10, 5:32PM EDT1
What are your thoughts of the notion that women who are into age-play have daddy issue?
Jul 10, 8:27AM EDT0

Unfortunately, that notion toward the submissive side is also similiar to the misconception that Dominant APers are pedophiles. Ignorance will always lead to labeling, or making assumptions, that which they don't understand.

Daddy issues is such a broad term, but most people translate it to mean woman who are longing for someone to replace an empty space left by their biological father. Some do- but it's not limited to the BDSM world. People say the same thing about women who marry a man 20+ years their senior. I'm not saying the issues don't exist- because they do. But it isn't isolated to those who practice the dynamic. I even know several vanilla AP authors who use their books as a way to work through their daddy issues.

What I find amusing is many of those who have this notion have stuffed animals, cute pajamas (Hello Kitty/Peppa Pig etc), and other such items in their homes. Does that mean they, too, have daddy issues- or do these childlike items just make them happy and reduce stress?

There are APers who have had perfect childhoods with strong relationships with their fathers, and they share the love and trust they learned as little girls with their partners.  I also know those who have been abused and abandoned, who want nothing to do with a daddy figure. For each individual, exists a different situation, so when I see a generality such as this, and don't know any details of the woman's past, I dismiss it as ignorance.

Honestly- so many of my clients, myself included, have found tremendous healing in our AP relationships because it isn't about the title the participants share (I rarely call John 'Daddy' when we're in the space) -- it's about nurturing, love, care and being encouraged to be the best person possible, both in and out of the relationship. For me, the AP relationship allows me to have the freedom to let go of my daily stress and simply play and let someone else make decisions for me.

It's also important to understand that AP isn't limited to 'daddy.' Mommy-Dommes, Aunties, Uncles, Guardians, Professors... whatever authority figure the couple deems appropriate for them- is for the benefit of BOTH the Dominant and submissive. It's their way of sharing trust and tenderness between them. 

The need for love, nurturing and accountability is present in both the vanilla and BDSM world- by both men and women. There doesn't have to be a psychological reason or excuse.

I hope I answered your question:)

Jul 10, 1:26PM EDT0
Do men really buy novels of your genre or are they marketed specifically for women?
Jul 10, 6:05AM EDT0

That's a hard question to answer because authors usually don't know the actual demographics of their books sales. I do know that I have a strong base of male readers who either just like this type of romance or they are involved in a BDSM realtionship and use the books as guidelines. For the latter, we have an open door policy and John (my husband) is in constant contact with many of them.  

This is where, as I mentioned previously, I emphasize authors to be so careful about how they communicate the lifestyle and interactions--you never know who is going to see your works as a 'user's manual.'

Jul 10, 12:42PM EDT0
What are some fo the misconceptions people have about the BDSM lifestyle that you try to change through your books?
Jul 10, 5:17AM EDT0

The biggest generality is the belief women submissives are weak, uneducated and subservient. So not true. Many of us are in high profile, demanding and decision making careers- with higher education profiles and a strong sense of independence. Likewise- the dominants are thought to be arrogant, flawless, insensitive, selfish and sadistic. 

All my dominants are flawed- BIG time- because part of the journey in the book is to show their willingness to grow and change for the sake of their relationship. Each one of my submissives, even if she's gone through a trauma or lacks confidence, etc, finds her inner strength and gains confidence with the help of her Dom. The subs coming in as kick-ass, hard core chicks- find that it's okay to have soft edges.

BDSM isn't about whips and chains, nor is it about living under a dictatorship (at least, most of the time, lol)- the partnerships in a healthy BDSM relationship are equal, with designated roles, and use one another's strengths and weaknesses to evolve both personally and in their relationship. 

Jul 10, 12:33PM EDT0
As a sexologist, what kind of problems do your clients usually come to you with?
Jul 9, 11:38AM EDT0

The common thread is fear of rejection- wanting to try something new/different but afraid of being humiliated or shamed. That ties in with society and the age-old Constantine belief defining proper sexual relations. 

Add that to the assumed belief that those who live in an alternative lifestyle (i.e. LGBT, BDSM, Poly) are sexually free, there is a measure of guilt that comes with the issue.  Honestly, it's not much different than what we see in many vanilla relationships except that some of the desires are more, how do we say? Adventurous?

Other issues that come through the door are not unique to the Alternative Lifestyle-- frigidity; skewed/poor body image and the perception of  not corresponding to society's/partner's standards; sexual trauma; guilt; and the threat of loss of relationship and feelings of pressure. Some clients have medical issues  (i.e. a colostomy) and high degrees of frigidity.

What's important is to determine the root of the perceived problem and treat the client as an individual.

Jul 9, 12:45PM EDT0
Why do you believe the alternative lifestyle, though popular, is still viewed very critically?
Jul 8, 10:43AM EDT1

Popular is a relevant term and, in comparison to the vanilla lifestyle, ours is still a small percentage. We are becoming more visible and, therefore, more abundant.

 I live in southern California, so a gay pride parade or a party at Club X is familiar to most of the residents here. Take that same thing to, let's say, the Bible Belt, and you'll get a completely different reaction. Why?

(Uh-oh, time for me to step onto my soap-box!)

Since the dawn of time, mankind has been suspicious and judgmental of anything new or different that crosses its path. Our carnal nature is wired to maintain social unity and provide protection from potential threats. That being said, it's natural to put anything different from cultural ethics and practices (AKA normal) under the microscope. We are wired for survival and anything that's perceived to put that survival in jeapardy is eliminated, avoided or run from. A lack of education (and tolerance) are other factors that contribute to the negative viewpoint. This includes how the alternative lifestyle is presented in the media- movies, television, the news, books, politics, nasty gossip on social media... you name it.

The smallest discovery of a connection to a negative event, real or imagined, is like (please pardon the example) dropping a turd into a giant well of fresh water. The water is instantly polluted- and even if it was discovered the turd was made of plastic, the mindset remains  that the water is undrinkable.

This is the reason I shout 'DO YOUR HOMEWORK' to other authors in my genre. E.L. James portrayed a character to be broken from childhood sexual abuse and, therefore, he entered the world of BDSM and needed to be cured.  Truthfully-that DOES happen, BUT that same person can also take another path and attend church or be involved in charity work.

This is where it gets ugly. If the individual claims/assumed to be involved in an alternative lifestyle, the entire community is judged by proper society and labeled accordingly to the misrepresentation. That doesn't happen if the same individual is involved in acceptable venues of society. Case and point- When a vanilla church-attending, family man goes on a shooting spree at a McDonald's,  the Christian community isn't labeled as murderers. Society accepts the church is a good and positive influence, and will call that man a rogue who didn't represent their moral and ethical standards. Stereotyping, racial profiling, and learned prejudice fuel the fire against those who are perceived as different. It's not limited to the alternative lifestyle, either. To this day, minorities, people of color, practitioners of certain religions, and women are subjected to this scrutiny.

At the present time, those in the alternative lifestyle aren't YET given the same curtesy as those is vanilla society. I do believe, with proper education and positive demonstration of who and what we are, the vanilla world will eventually feel less threatened and more inclined to understand and embrace us.

Your question is the reason I perform Pro Bono therapy and counseling. Finding a kink friendly therapist who won't judge (or report to the authorities for what they consider abuse) is difficult, so many of the victims of intolerance suffer in silence. One day, society will put the human back into humanity, but until that day comes, I do what I can through my books and work to educate and remove the fear and break down the walls of misconception.

(Okay, I'm off my soap box. Shame because, at  5'0", it's the only way I can see over anyone's head!)

Jul 8, 2:13PM EDT1

Do you have some different quality from other erotica authors

Jul 8, 9:36AM EDT0

All of us are different and it's like comparing apples to oranges. My greatest asset is, since I do live the lifestyle, I can write from personal experience and what I know. I'm also able to prove that I'm being honest about it. 

Being in this industry is difficult. I can tell you what you'll get from my books, but that doesn't mean you won't get the same, or even better, from others. I can also say that my fans are my heart- and I'll do anything I can to help and support them as individuals as they have done for me. I don't know if other authors personally answer every piece of fan mail they receive- but I do (and it can jump into triple digits on a single day). Without my fans, I wouldn't be here- and they deserve the absolute best I can given them- and that starts with my time.

I hope I answered your question :) Hugs!

Jul 8, 1:16PM EDT0
Which types of activities can trigger the little/middle space and what is it about these activities that trigger this mentality?
Jul 8, 9:18AM EDT0

This might help you begin. A Little Play Day is a nonfiction book that illustrates the interaction between a Big and Little during a typical day, including how to help her slide, and keep her, in the space of Littledom.

The key to entering little/middle/tween space depends on two things: You and your partner. I'm going to use the term 'she' (although the gender tag is irrelevant since there are many male little/middle/tweens).

Let's start with the Little- is it natural for her or has she expressed an interest? It's usually pretty easy to tell externally- does she like stuffies, Disney movies, coloring,  and being spoiled? If the answer is yes- you're halfway there. If not, you can slowly introduce your desire with stuffies (what girl doesn't love stuffed animals?), doing something silly that makes her laugh and counter back, or reading a book together. Gauge her interest and go from there.

The Big- it's really in your court. How committed are you (again, generic) to the dynamic? The Big plays the strongest part in bringing, and keeping, his Little in that unique frame of mind. That means making her adult (talking about finances, work, etc)  off limits during her time in Littledom. If the Big isn't willing to get on the floor and play Leggos, watch a Disney movies (umpteen number of times), or blow bubbles for her to chase, it sends the message that he's not interested. That's the quickest way to discourage the interaction and make her believe that part of her is not wanted. Littles are notoriously sensitive since they are presenting the most vulnerable part of their psyche and entrusting the Big to handle it with care and love. This is the reason that sexual contact during Age-Play is off the table- your Little had been given permission to essentially be a child again and is free of the stress of the outside world. I can't emphasize enough that Age-Play is NOT pedophlic, nor does is have anything to do with minors. It's simply an adult regression to a time where she can feel safe, nurtured, loved and cared for.

Instead of the word trigger, let's use invite. An invitation to play with toys, watch a cartoon, give a bubble bath (with bath crayons, of course) are just some of the activities that tell the adult that it's okay to let down the walls and put aside the outside world.

It's not just activities that can invite entering Littledom. The use of a code world can be very powerful.  For example, "Hey Sweetie, Daddy needs a hug,"  or "Mommy? Can I have ice-cream for dessert?" "You can have ice-cream if you eat your green beans,"

BOOM! We've communicated that it's the moment to slide into our special place.

The variables that bring about the Little headspace are many. If we take a look at our society, we can see a common thread for both children and adults. PLAY. Football, video games, paintball, Angry Birds, LARP (live action role play), etc are some examples how the adult play. Simplify and make them 'age-appropriate' - and don't falter. Always ask- would it be acceptable for a X year old to do this?

The mentality. The degree of trust a Little gives her Big is mind-blowing. What the Big does with that trust can have an enormous impact on so many levels. A little girl who is loved unconditionally, accepted and guided for her betterment grows into a strong, self-confident woman. Likewise, a Little who is given this same treatment (albeit the discipline is likely different than what one would deliver to a child since you're dealing with an adult body) functions in the outside world with less stress, more confidence, and the knowledge that she has a safe place to go to. I can't tell you how many times I've had an awful day at work and I'm instantly uplifted when I get a text saying 'Daddy's going to make you a bubble bath when you get home.' It's a promise that my terrible day will end and I'll be taken care of and loved the second I reach my safe haven.

It's also important to transition SLOWLY back into the adult mode. That can be done by telling her it's time to put away her toys, ask if it's okay to watch a grown up movie, or simply going to bed. If sex is in the mix, call her by her adult name, express your love and allow her time to respond in kind.

One more thing-and this is very, very serious. If your Little has a history of childhood abuse, abandonment, or trauma.... always be on the lookout for- now we use the word- triggers. The more she let's down her walls of protection, the greater possibility exists of striking a trigger. Without her buffer of adulthood, the ordinary can become overwhelming. It doesn't have to be huge, either. A scent, a song, a word, anything can open that past hurt- but here's the most awesome thing about Age-Play. You, the Big, can guide your little one to a place of healing through patience, comfort, and showing her she's safe. Don't ask for the details when she's in her Little-but listen and reassure if she wants to share. Once she's solidly back to the adult frame of mind, talk about it. Even if it's not significant to you- it is to her, and that's what matters.

Have patience.. it might take time to 'get there' but if you're consistent with your actions, she's grow in trust and be consistent with hers :)

Jul 8, 1:04PM EDT0
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